Intentional and Transparent Modeling
Being a mentor is more than just having discussions and dispensing advice. It is also about an intentional demonstration of life and service so mentees can observe their mentors in real life situations. There are many nuances and subtleties that cannot be discussed or taught. They need to be observed in action. Also things observed are much more easily remembered. So whenever it is possible and practical mentors should create situations where mentees can observe them in action. This is how Jesus mentored his disciples. This was also a part of the apostle Paul’s method. He was intentional and transparent. “We did this … in order to offer ourselves as a model for you to imitate.” (2 Thessalonians 3:9, NIV) He invited people to follow his example. “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.” (1 Corinthians 11:1, NIV) The credibility of mentorship often rests on mentees actually having seen their mentor in action. If direct observation is not possible or practical, mentees can observe indirectly as the mentor shares what they have done, said, and thought in various situations of their ministry.
Both character traits and ministry skills should be modelled. Being an example or modelling behaviour is often done unconsciously. It is probably better that it is unconscious because it can then be genuine and real. But the mentor does need to be aware that he or she is being observed by the mentee. This can also be a good incentive to stay sharp in all areas for the purpose of a highly effective mentoring relationship. Mentees should see how mentors brings their character traits to the different roles they play. The mentor may play different roles but the character should be consistent. In other words, the mentor may wear different hats but always have the same face (not wearing different masks).
How Transparent should a Mentor Be?
While it is good for the mentor be transparent for the benefit of the mentee, there are some aspects of self-disclosure that should be measured in relation to the level of trust (See figure below). It is not always appropriate for the mentor to allow the mentee to know everything about the mentor. But the mentor should self-disclose when it may be helpful for the learning of the mentee. A certain level of self-disclosure in the area of struggles that the mentor has faced at various times can encourage the mentee face similar struggles. Appropriate self-disclosure will put the seemingly unreachable achievements of the mentor into proper perspective for the mentee. This also reduces the temptation for the mentor to appear as a faultless hero to the mentee. The mentor should not allow themselves to be seen at such a high place that the mentee can never reach. A mentor may be a little like a hero at the beginning of the relationship. But judicious self-disclosure will humanize the mentor. The mentor should not try to appear as someone who has mastered every challenge faced but as someone who by the grace of God has experienced some successes and endured some disappointments. The mentee is likely to learn much from how the mentor has worked through his or her weaknesses but the primary motive in sharing such experiences should be to help the mentee grow in their own life and ministry journey.
Developing Friendship in a Mentoring Relationship
Mentoring relationships develop as trust level rises and openness increases. The dynamics also change similar to the way a parent’s relationship develops from relating to the younger child, then to the teenage child and finally to the adult child according to the level of maturity of the child. In a ministry mentoring context mutuality develops as the mentor and mentee have a greater repertoire of shared ministry experiences. They increasingly relate to one another from a similar level and a friendship develops. This kind of development is to be expected. We see this development in the relationship between Jesus and his disciples. Jesus was able to say to them: “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you” (John 15:15, NIV). Friendships which begin in formal mentoring relationships often continue long after the formal arrangement is concluded.
In some mentoring relationships a development of friendship may be difficult because of the mentee’s view of hierarchical relationships. A mentee in such a case may not feel comfortable with the development of a more collegial relationship. The mentor will need to be sensitive and pay attention to the comfort level of the mentee. Not all mentoring relationships will develop into friendships but they can still fulfill the learning objectives of the mentee.